What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 07:08
What did i know ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When she asked me how she looked .
How do you raise well-behaved children?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was 9 years of age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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Put me off passion for life!!
Ive learnt so much.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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(And it was in our own minds.)
We were not on the streets..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I have no regrets .
She found it foreign!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He resisted the act ,that day.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I think the readers, may guess!
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I couldn’t, believe it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was very sick at this time too.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
This is soul school!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So whats the point in blame.
My family never makes their pension either.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was in good health!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I don,t even have a pension.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im still living with it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Who then, do I blame.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She loved him until the end.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So, i spoilt her more .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But it wasn’t much.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i lived it daily.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It was going to be , some day.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One cannot live in the past .
I said to her
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We all went to grammer schools
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I waited trembling.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But ive been too sick for many years..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I write beautiful poetry .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Was to survive, this bastard.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She wouldn,t have been !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I will be 64.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He knew the spot.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But, we were locked up after school.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Would this be the day?
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was scared of men, in general
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My life is so biszare .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
All the time i was locked up.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She married twice! .
I was seconnd youngest,
My mum and dad in the seventies!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t